Subutex/xanax Doctors On Long Island?

I've been on subutex for pain management for a while now.. My prescribed dose is 3 8mg a day but I only take 1 8mg a day now. June 1st of this year I lost my still born son at 8 months. We named him, held him, took pictures (which I can't bring myself to even look at yet) and have his hat/blanket in a bag (which I keep as a shrine and have yet to be able to open yet either) even had him baptized.. Ever since I have been SUFFERING with severe anxiety/panic attacks and PTSD with two small kids to care for everyday while my husband works until midnight. Every minute of every day I see a reel in my head on loop of all the events that took place that weekend.. On Top of it I have hyperthyroidism which they both the anxiety and hyperthyroidism feed off each other doubling my anxiety symptoms. Which TRULY sucks. I can't function like a person let alone a normal person. I blame myself for what happened, I do endless research in anything that could have caused it..and I can't find a psychiatrist that will treat me due to me being on subutex. Endless phone calls.. I don't even know what kind of psych they are, to look for but I've called hundreds of them.. I've been taking Xanax since I lost my son from family members and it helps like I can't explain. I can play and laugh with my kids.. I can go places and i feel normal again. It makes that film reel stop for a while which is a serious relief. Unfortunately the family pharmacy has run dry plus I really really want to find help for myself for me and my kids.. And my husband cause this has all taken a huge toll on our relationship.. His grieving ended on the day we left the hospital, mine clearly didn't... and I need to find a doctor that will help me..I can't keep living like this. I've really lost all hope and don't know what to do.. I'm terrified of hospitals, since.. and I even went and they did nothing but make me wait 5 hrs to give me referrals for places that won't treat me.. I'm really at the end of my rope.. I have insurance.. Anybody know of anybody..?

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Find anything? In same boat. Looking for. Dr who will actually give Xanax

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Not yet. I'm going crazy. My husband had found this doctor in Brooklyn who took my insurance and since he told them it was urgent they said I could see her assistant the following day. All hopeful, optimistic yet having a continuous panic attack the entire horrible car ride with both my small kids in the car (Yesterday. And if your around here you know what it was like yesterday). For reasons unknown to me they had to do a sonogram of my heart, which if you read my novel up there.. Was a living nightmare and I was covering my ears and crying the whole time.. Had to wait forever to talk to this crotchety extremely unorganized old man who didn't even close the door while we were speaking. I started from the top as to why I was there and he finally cut me off to ask me why I came to see him.. What my major problem was.. Which was obviously anxiety.. I told him I had been taking xanax.. Which he said he wouldn't prescribe that he would prescribe something different and then eventually after finding out how long I've been on Xanax he prescribed me depekote and a small amount of a real small dosage of klonopin ( to take "when I REALLY need it" which he expected to last me over a month ). I don't want to take the depekote because A. It doesn't seem to treat anything I have B. The side effects are scary.. and also could be deadly.. And C. Which is kinda major for me.. Their extremely dangerous during pregnancy.. Even before you even find out your pregnant. It causes seriously huge birth defects and even if I stopped taking it, and then got pregnant.. That child has a chance of having a birth defect since I used to take that medicine..and we do plan on trying for another baby. I found a doctor that would take me being that I'm on the subutex, a real psychiatrist.. Not what I waisted two hours of nothing on yesterday.. But he's out of network and would cost me 300$ which these days is going to be near impossible for me to come up with but I was so desperate and excited to find a doctor that I went and made the apt, the soonest being the 15th.. I've looked into donating plasma to raise most of the money if I can even donate to their qualifications.. I really never thought it would be THIS hard.. I miss when I had a steady amount of the Xanax and was a normal person... And I know what it must sound like to a judgy person but even my husband and everybody around notices an instant difference to when I take the Xanax than when I'm off it. I just want to be normal again. I don't want to live like this anymore. Sorry, I haven't had any luck to share with you but i will if I do.. If by some miracle I get to see that doctor and things work out I'll give you the info

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I am so sorry what you are going through and for your loss. Try to get Christian counseling. I went through something similar. I use to think God hated me, but He doesn't He loves You so much. You are so precious to Him. Be careful about the counseling you get. Remember remember nobody is perfect know matter who they are.I hope you can find some peace and rest. I hope and pray your soul will start healing. Remember Satan came to kill, but Jesus came to heal and give life. I hope you will start studying the Bible to find answers about how much God loves you, wants you to have joy again and one day to laugh again. Also find a grief support. I am also in Celebrate Recovery course. One day you can do something that will bring meaning to what happened. It takes time to heal. I am also studying Caroline Leaf who is a Christian brain pathologist. Your children need you and remember God is taking care of your baby and knows how much you love him. Remember again nobody is perfect, but I don't know why but God your Father Who loves you you will do something very meaningful in your life. I pray that you have a personal relationship with Jesus. Without Jesus I wouldn't have been able to heal like I have.

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