My Experience On Methadone Clinic

I have been on the clinic for a little over 5 years before I recently walked off 80mg. That probably wasn't one of the brightest ideas I've had in a while, but I didn't do it without a plan! I really thought this plan out for a while and was ready to do it no matter what, I was going to succeed at any cost, I had to, people needed to know it can be done, you don't have to be a "lifer" I was always the type of person once I put my mind to something, anything so I thought, I would accomplish whtever it may be! Let me back up a second and give you some backround as to why I needed to get off and it had to be now! First and foremost I also belong to a fellowship called AA, one of the best moves I ever made in my life, well actually the best move! I met a lot of genuine, good hearted people in this place, however I also found people that weren't so nice and didn't really want to help you or give you their best advice, cause God forbid you start doing better then them! Well I thought this one guy in particular was a real friend, had good intentions, but boy was I wrong! And at this one place I made my Home-Group 4yrs ago, they now have a lot of these guys who have a one track mind and are thinking they are helping people, but in reallity they are killing them! I know that might be harsh, but I've seen it time after time and someone needs to speak up! These people told me that I was never gonna have the spiritual connection with my Higher Power as long as I was on the methadone mantainence. My feelings were being blocked, and if I didn't get off soon I was going to become so dependent on it that I would become a "Lifer" The other reason was this particular methadone clinic I went to, once you got to a certain point in your recovery there they didn't have any type of incentives, or like changes put in place to help with getting your life back to whatever that "NORMAL" thing is. You get up to OP which is the highest point in the program, which consists of 2 - 2hr groups a week and a hour one on one session each week! After 4yrs of this it really starts to be a nuissance in your life rather than an asset. You have to argue and do a process that seems to always go wrong somehow just to be able to go on vacation or out of state and get some take home bottles, God forbid you try to live your life, especially if you have a family just a little bit more like the "normal" people again, good luck with that!! I also think they sould have a group in place for people that wanna come down/and or off to educate them on what they might go through, what are some do's and dont's, and just be in a group where everyone is on the same page pretty much and can really support one another! Instead once this clinic hears the word detox, or come down, they make it like its some kind of impossible feat, and make you feel like you should never bring it up again, cause maybe they are right, I mean let's face it they are the medical doctors, they went to school for this, shouldn't they know best? The answere to this is NO, you know you better than anyone, including the doctors! If they don't want to listen to you and try to work out a regimen that fits your goals and lifestyle, then maybe, just maybe this doctor has other interior motives, if you know what I mean.Wow went on a rant there for a minute, sorry! Back to me walking off 80mgs......I planned on getting like 10 - 10mg methadone pills to ween myself down a little bit further, continue going to my meeting, and the power of prayer I would be able to do this thing! I was so wrong! Did not realize for one how bad the withdraw was going to be from methadone, and then I started listening to the wrong people who told me they did it by going back to "Dope" for about a week and was able to kick a lot easier that way! Well now about 2 and a half months since I walked off the clinic, I have lost that connection with my Higher Power that people told me would get even stronger, I cringe by the thought of wanting this sobriety thing back to the way it was, yes for the 4yrs I was on methadone and going to meetings Daily, both my wife and daughter told me that's when they were actually at peace, they knew I was coming home and wasn't going to be High, or Lying about where I've been, etc....For those poeple who told me I needed to get off of the clinic in order to have a better connection with God, and even have a better life all around, do me a favor sit down and talk to my wife and my little Baby Girl! I bet they will teach you a thing or two about helping others, or even stuff in the Big Book that points out different things, especially the Dr's Opinion! But their is even more then that about medical conditions that need to be implemented into your life, just to even have a chance of comprehending this program in the beginning, and if it winds up making me a "Lifer" then guess what, that's what God's Plan Was For Me! It wasn't my plan, I would never admit that before, but now I am convinced that with a Methadone Clinic, AA Meetings, Psychiatrist at times, and most importantly my Higher Power, and family, I will not fail and I won't hurt my family or myself any longer! I never have to feel theis way again and neither do you! God Speed! How about we start now at changing and say to ourselves in the mirror starting today I am going to give myself a chance.........I am a survivor, and getting through some of those nights were really really hard, but I did it with the help of my Higher Power and didn't even know it at the time, so Thank Him tonight, and on awake ask Him to help you do it all over again!

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REPORT

When people get their lives back while on an effective medication and make the decision to walk off while on a high dosage it is clear that they want to simply get high once again for whatever reason that they can come up with. You were not in OP for 4years brother. For those who are in OP and living stable productive lives, they have the right to sign paper-work to get their groups lowered to one day a week beside two days a week. THESE ARE FACTS NOT OPINIONS. When people are in OP for well less then a year and make a life damaging decision to walk off a program while on 80mg and buy 10-10mg of methadone to "ween" off; I have to ask how crazy and counterproductive is this addictive way of thinking??? This is not the thinking of someone who is Stable in their recovery. This is not someone who is truly being honest with their "Support Group" about why they are about to make the biggest mistake in their recent life. Come on brother, honesty is always the best way to go and if you aren't learning that being involved in AA you need to go find another group.

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Good for you John...when I first started reading this I thought "here comes another methadone bashing article from someone who doesn't have a grasp on what "true" recovery is. I'm very glad it didn't go that way. I'm sorry that you had to suffer a little to find out that what worked for other people, may not work for you. I attend a clinic with the same ideology as yours and it has saved my life. I wish more people would open their eyes to what "recovery" really means and stop trying to push or bully people into believing that their way is the only way.!! We all recover in our own way and I'm very happy for you for finding yours....keep up the great work.!!!

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Tom is right. I like this article a lot. No one knows you like YOU. If this what is keeping you straight and happy, why change it? I recently had some thoughts of finding a doctor and detox that way but the only thing that didn't push me to do so is the fact that the clinic keeps structure in my life, keeps recovery fresh. The simple things of getting a urine test and not have to worry about any other drugs showing up, counselors and other staff who have respect for me and confidence in me, that stuff keeps me on my toes. As long as youre doing the right thing, the clinic will work with you and work around my/anyone's job schedule, etc. I realize that there are many things keeping me straight and on my toes at the clinic and I do have a fear and I question myself whether I could keep up with my meetings, sponsor, staying clean, a job and a family without methadone maintenance and the clinic. Thanks for this article.

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I don't know who the hell you think you are saying I walked off the clinic cause I wanted to get high you obviously have no clue about me or what you read in my post! First of all if I just wanted to get high it would of been a lot easier, cheaper, and less painful to just stay on and get some benzos or something like that don't you think. And as for being in op for four years, sorry never actually said that, I was saying after 4yrs of this s*** meaning what I was talking about right before that and everything else I experienced during that time and not that I need to explain myself to anyone but since you want to make statements about me I want to make sure you get it right. No I was not in op for less than a year I got to the net in April,2008 and within 6mo. I went to op the first time and stayed there about 1and half yrs. Relapsed on cocaine and was sent back to IOP but before I got sent down or like right after I was arressted for the first time ever and thought that would definitely stop me. I was in there about 3 mos. and when I got back I met who is now my best friend and we started going to AA meetings together, we both were doing better than we have in our life. Got another 2 & 1/2yrs before I relapsed again it killed me and this time I went back to relapse prevention group. I was down there for 6mos. of which I was told would be no more than 3 if I was a good little boy, which I was but whatever I always say well obviously God has a different plan for me so just go with it and b**** once in a while anyway cause I'm still human. Then I went back up was in op again I guess a little less than a yr when I did some type of psych meds that triggered another relapse right as I was planning on leaving and yes I wish I would have realized then that was God telling me it's a mistake but instead my stubborn ass already had my mind set. I don't know I always was pretty good in math but maybe all this lying to myself and wanting to get high made me stupid! That adds up to pretty damn close to 4yrs atleast or I can say it's a hell of a lot more than 1yr. And again if you read what I wrote about my support group they were the ones that kept telling me I needed to get off in order to have a stronger relationship with my higher power since my feelings and emotions were blocked by the medication and being told this time after time and getting just over a year clean again I just finished interferon treatment and my dumb ass decides to go out once more, at this point I thought I need to do something different and maybe what they are telling me has some truth to it, let me give this an honest effort with my support group AA, family, my Higher Power Im going to do this and prove to people it can be done! And if you knew me like you seem to think you would know that is all the truth and as crazy as it sometimes sounds afterwards or as I sometimes look back and say what the hell were you thinking, the one thing thats never said by me or the people who know me is you lied to us or your just lying to yourself because that my friend would just not be me. Im as real as they come love it or hate it that's how it is honest straight up from my heart nothing more nothing less!!

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I have been going to the methadone clinic for a little over 3 months now and I must say that my life has done a complete turn around. When I started, I was taking between 20-26 10mg hydrocodone tabs a day. Sometimes I used Oxys or percs or whatever was around, but my drug of choice was 10mg yellow norcos. I was taking so many that I had drained our baking account and all of our funds down to zero. I had pawned off everything we had of value, stolen from family and friends, and was doing whatever I had to do to get my hands on the pills. I had become someone that I was ashamed of. I had no feeling for anyone except myself and had basically let my life go to hell. I was on the verge of losing my husband and my family.
I started at the clinic thinking there was no way this place would help me. Anyway, to make a long story short, I have been in treatment for a few months now and my life is so much better, I have made peace with my family, have a job, and have made a lot of progress with cleaning up my life. A lot of people feel that this place isn't anything more than a substitute, and it may be, but it has definitely helped me to turn my life around. You have to want to change or you never will. My life gets better with each day that I stay clean from illegal drugs, and I pray that I will never go back to the life I was leading before I entered the clinic. The people there have helped me immensely. I have a weekly session with my counselor, who seems to genuinely care about me and my problems, and everyone there has been a huge help to me. I know there are a lot of people who go to thees type of clinics just to get a cheap buzz or a convenient high, but to be honest, I have never gotten any type of buzz or high from my dose. That wasn't what I was looking for when I began. I was looking for some help in beating my drug addiction, and looking for some help in turning my life around...and thats exactly what I have gotten so far.

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Wow thank you for posting. Boy do I know exactly what you mean about AA. I have learned through years of being in and out to try n weed out those "well know it alls". Those people CAN and HAVE killed. I knew personally a girl who walked in front of a train because those people told her she wasn't sober if she was on medication. She was severely mentally ill and NEEDED that medication. Everyone's sobriety is their own. If you are taking a medication the way you should with the right intentions, and YOU know you are sober, THAT is what counts. Believe me I too understand. I don't TELL everyone at meetings I am on methadone. I am down to 68mgs and going down 2mgs per week, but I have seriously debated just walking. I know I can't handle it so I am fighting it. I have a wonderful counselor at my Clinic who is also in AA. But the methadone itself is killing me, I have never been so depressed, I can't function. I won't live a long life if I become a lifer lol. I have been on it for 3 years, I haven't used ANYTHING in a year. I lost my take homes because the lab messed up and my swab came up for marijuana! I HATE marijuana. I haven't smoked it in 20 years. That was what made me start really wanting to walk. I am trying to just stick it out going down 2mgs per week. I hope I can do it. I am just so upset and now every time I get swabbed I am in a panic. If you are totally clean you should NOT have to worry about coming up dirty. That is SO wrong. Someone who didn't have good recovery easily could have used this as a free pass and used - you know addict thinking - if I am going to get punished for it I am gonna do it - well I didn't. So maybe if it ha happened to someone else they would have used and OD'd or something. But it is still so wrong and I am so angry. And now have even worse anxiety and can barely eat. I REALLY need off this clinic, for me, not the self titled bosses in AA lol. But I so know what you mean. Listen to yourself. You know being sober is. If your life is better and you are happy, your family is happy, you will get off the clinic if and when you are ready. Hopefully slowly lol. Oh you must have been sooo sick, I can't imagine. Please, the people who truly care about you will know you are doing what is best for you. Everyone's recovery is their own, and only we can know in our hearts the state of our true sobriety :) Good luck!

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Sounds like you've convinced yourself you need the drug in your life to maintain a tolerable lifestyle. That's the mind working to give it what it wants. I can relate to your story but I don't understand why you keep beating yourself up? I'm a member of the fellowship you refer to. My story is long and I won't bore you with it. I will say it involves a liver transplant and a three year Oxycodone addiction. First of all, AA is for those suffering from an alcohol addiction. The old timers in the program don't want to hear about your drug addiction but if your in an open meeting or one that isn't a book study, no one is going to stop you from sharing. As described in Chapter 5, the fellowship is to, "help the alcoholic who still suffers". Although the Big Book briefly discusses other drugs it's teachings is specifically focused on alcoholic. I mentioned my addiction to opiates, I was using them for a valid reason, one I suffer from today but can't use because I'm an addiction. Yes I still crave it, my mind tells me I need it even more so than alcohol that aims lost my liver to. I had to buck up and face my problem head on. It was tough, it was a good six months substance free before I started to come to my senses. My advise to you is to do the same. Use your physician to get a game plan to get you off the Methadone. Your life depends on it. Trust in God.

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