First Time Taking Diazepam

Today I took my first few dosages of diazepam of which I am to take two to three times a day. Yesterday after coming home from new year celebrations (I didn't drink because I was anxious and didn't want to end up making a drunken rant about all my problems) which sound sort of contradictory as I would have been a bit more relaxed if did. But apart from my family when i have 'episodes' of hysteria and panic attacks I'm a very private person and don't like to show how I'm really feeling. So when it does happen they are never expecting it its like a bomb and I know it's my fault for not telling them if I'm feeling anxious or worried. So it builds up and just all spills out. So I woke up on New Year's Day in such a bad mood, I was taking it all out on my sister, yelling at her telling her to just f-off and as soon as we got home I just broke down, cried for hours hitting myself. My mum comforted me and we had a good chat through the tears but as soon she left I lost it even more. I was telling myself 'lets through everything away, get rid of it all' then I was saying to myself 'cut my hair cut it all off just do it just do it' because i just wanted to rip it out, hair I've been growing for 2 years and belongings I've worked and saved up to own. So I got the scissors and I start chopping away at my hair then my sister walked in (thank god) and things just got even more hysterical. My mum was furious and my dad saying 'you've ruined the whole day you paid for a beautiful hair cut last week what have you done?!' And I just kept screaming in tears 'I'm sorry I'm sorry oh god what have I done what's happening please help me' i was having some sort of out of body experience, tunnel vision just took over completely and i wasnt with it all, just hysterical. After my dad realised I was having some sort of breakdown he took me to my bedroom and we decided its best nt to go to hospital because I won't get anywhere with them ill just be waiting all day. And I was pulling my hair and he was just so baffled. I was crying and crying and I couldn't breath I had to go outside, so he open my bedroom windows to get some air in to the room. Then, all of a sudden as if something in my mind had just snapped me out of it it all stopped. I felt sober, as if I had just woken up. I was calmer more clearer headed and we both looked at eachother and I could see the pain in his eyes and he was welling up. We both hugged and cried. I haven't hugged my dad since I was 12/13 yo, (20 yo now) and I certainly never seen him cry and he's not had it easy. It broke my heart realising what I had just done and out them all through. I have a twin sister and she must have been so terrified, while my parents were yelling at me she was begging them to do something she knows I hoave these problems and they know I suffer from anxiety and panic attack but its never been like that before. I'm sorry this sounds so random and erratic but as I was saying I've started on diazepam today. We all went out as family today and it was great we haven't done it for a while. I just want to feel myself again I used to be so carefree and humorous just a laugh. Now I worry all the time, feel so worthless and such a nuisance. I have had no sort of trauma in my life, I have a good home and friends. Later after coming home my mind was racing and I couldn't sit still so I took the diazepam bit it hasnt really relaxed me as much as i need it to. I'm just so scared I don't want to hurt myself but I have thoughts of these things. I feel like its the only way out. I would never do it i couldnt that to my family but I have these horrible thoughts daily. I wan to punish myself I want to be left alone so I can wallow I'm just so scared. I feel trapped because I know I won't do it. I don't know why I chopped my hair off and it freaks the hell out of me, it wasn't me I would never of chosen to do it but I kept saying just do it Michelle just chop it off and it sounds ridiculous. Just bizarre! I don't know what the point of this is as I haven't even told my family all of these. But if anyone has anything to say at all please do. Just be honest me ask me questions and give me your opinion please. Right now I need just some honesty and I need to take responsibility. I know this isn't making any sense I apologise.

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yes it makes sense to people who's been there i have and i haven't had much medicine since i changed drs big mistake the diazapam always made me hateful and i did liked every one and i have even had panic attacks and blowups i call them like you alot. the best meds thats helped me is klonipin and i like zanax its stronger but you have to be careful with it. if your still doing this sounds like its not the right med for you try the other to if you can i ask my self why would my dr want me to live like this well the answer i came up with he don't care he gets payed regardless if he wrights or not thanks jenn

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