Benzodiazepines With Anxiety Disorder

When I was 11 years old I started to feel an excessive fear. Going to school, to my gymnastics classes even to the store across the street was becoming impossible to me! I was getting very depressed and thinking about a way of killing myself! I couldn't do a normal life anymore and I didn't know why and my parents didn't help me saying" I was very shy, that it will pass ...it didn't, got worse and worse I had to try to find a way out by myself at that age... eventually I did, I was avoiding transportation and used to walk for hours ! lied to my parents to avoid school as many times as I could, etc, i made a few friends that were feeling in a way "ignored by their families, school, adults, like me"when I was 15 my life changed completely a friend gave me a "pill" (Rohypnol, the strongest benzodiazepine that was called later on "the rape pill" and banned) that's exactly what I was looking for! I was fearless and extremely happy, it was very easy to get it for me, my dad was a plastic surgeon, I did what I had to and got hundreds of them! I didn't need money at all, I never sold them, I gave them away just for fun, tattoos, etc... (I was naive and thought I was helping others too) I lost control of course of dosage, some days I couldn't remember how I got to a place or what I've done, and started to use and abuse "street drugs" any type... I didn't trust anybody else but my friends, my emotions changed, my thinking, eventually I dropped off school, my parents didn't have any idea of what I was doing! But I left my home too...and yes my life changed completely for about the next 10 years, my mom realized and wanted to help me (I needed that help at 11 years old!). I was in and out rehabs, detox, mental institutions but in a new country, instead of wanted help I wanted to keep looking for "something". I started hallucinogens, natural drugs, etc... it was hard at the beginning to get benzoids in this country. I had to go through withdrawal many times (which were really bad, the longer the harder to go through!) but I got prescribed Clonazepam 6mg and after Xanax 8mg, of course I already knew how to manipulate and lie to others...10 more years passed and xanax wasn't holding me anymore despite deadly dosages and was feeling "lost". Many bad things happened through almost 25 years so I decided to change my life after a psychologist she asked me to have a U/A. She looked at me with a "very concerning look and surprise at the same time" said: "you have DEADLY amounts of benzodiazepine, marijuana, illicit drugs ......etc, etc. Nobody I guess talked to me like that, she repeated said "I don't understand how you are still alive and I will report you so you can't get access to any controlled substance! I did get angry but in a way it gave me a "kick" to wake me up from a deep sedation state! Almost 4 years after I've never thought I was going to be able to be on 0.5 mg of clonazepam, many times I've gone trough withdrawal cold turkey, thinking I was going to die, nonsense racing thoughts, tremors, chills, couldn't drink even water without throwing up, fever etc, etc. It became part of my life sometimes going through that but it was getting obviously harder with the time. still I know my body is not totally clean, but I don't want to go through that nightmare again. I made my anxiety disorders 100 worse. I might have to be on medication for the rest of my life or might not, the drug abuse of course got my mental health more complicated than before but I'm going to change my clonazepam to Xanax (same dosage). I've been honest for the first time with my psychiatry and he believes me and has been helping all these years! I'm trying to find the root of my anxiety disorder & depression along with my substance abuse and little by little it's working.

I'm not against benzodiazepines or 100% in favor, my advice is simple, everybody is different. We all react different to medications. One medication for an "illness" that is helping one person may not help another person at all with the same "illness". If you feel that a benzodiazepine is helping you and have a better quality of life without having to go up and up often then good for you! If you're getting the opposite and have been going up constantly, you could try something else believe me at the end you will regret it and got more problems than before, plus withdrawal is not only physical, it's psychological and it gets harder and harder over the years! Don't compare your dose with others, disorder, illness, etc... use common sense and yes, use it as directed, it is easy to lose control over it, but with help of a good psychiatry and psychotherapy (if its anxiety disorder and /or depression) you can get a normal life, and eventually don't need to take anything else, it's not easy to find a Professional good Psychiatry but there are, sometimes we have to try many until we find the right one, there many other things that can help you with anxiety, not caffeine, change your diet (no soda, greasy food, trans fat, process food..) add omega 3 to your supplements, exercise, yoga, sleep early, have someone to listen to you (a friend, psychology, mom, dad that she or he can be "objective" and see the "picture" from outside) and try to be optimistic! Sometimes our own self is our worst enemy! Good luck.

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Dear MoonX78
Thank you for you Courageous Share! Powerful Story. Benzodiazepines are and life and Personality Changing Drug. When you described feeling strong and “Happy “ when you began your journey taking them...then reading as your life spiraling down! Omg, so true. I believe you’re helping many people through writing about your life Using

Benzodiazepines are prescribed fir short term problems (but they are not!). We well!

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